Tuesday, December 14, 2010

the sun always comes out

The past few weeks have been quite difficult for me. Being diagnosed with breast cancer, having Cassie go missing, dealing with surgery, and waiting for results and appointments have been quite stressful. I think I have cried every day, but to be honest I have cried more about Cassie than feeling sorry for myself. We are slowly coming to grips with the thought that Cassie was shot by a hunter. I feel I let her down...it was my job to protect her and I failed. Those feelings are very difficult to deal with, and I find it hard to move on. I haven't been blogging much, and have been trying to decide what exactly blogging does for me. Why do I blog? I think I blog because it's easier for me to write down my thoughts than to verbalize them. When I first started blogging, I was anxious to get readers and followers. It seems silly to me now. Now I just blog for me. If other people want to read what I write, that's fine. If they don't, that's fine too. Because my blog is me. Not all of me. I don't write about bad times and bad days (well, up until just lately...ha). We all have bad times and bad days...that's life. But the sun always comes out and there is always hope. That's what I keep telling myself. I received the phone call today...the call we have been waiting for. My first appointment with the radiation oncologist is January 10th. I will also have an appointment with a medical oncologist (date tbd) to discuss medication therapy and possible chemotherapy. For some reason, getting my appointment date made everything seem just a little more scary. But I'll hug my man, and take a walk with my old girl Mulligan. And the sun will come out, because it always does.


Heather T. said...

I feel with you, Sara...through all of what you wrote here. Similar thoughts have gone through my mind in my life. The loss of Cassie, the fear of unknown health details, the why? of blogging and even to/not to write it all out.

And, yes, another day shall pass and hope will shine through into the next day.

I just read something this morning that really blessed my heart, maybe it will for you, also, maybe not Can Words Really Change the World?.

Sharing your heart, whether through goodness or trial, will always touch the life on another - even if just one person, with or without our knowledge...someone will be touched.

♥ may the sun shine in, onto your path, in these days ahead...and may you see it there, regardless of the obstacles.

Janet said...

I love what Heather wrote - for you have touched our lives, Sara!

And, hopefully, the prayers and good thoughts winging your way let you know that you are not alone.

Sandy aka Doris the Great said...

I know how much you miss your Cassie and I feel terrible for you. It's so hard to say goodbye to a pet.

Be encouraged about Jan 10th. All will be well. I hope you have a wonderful Chrismas. And keep on blogging -- I appreciate what you say and do.

Karen said...

I sure hope you keep blogging - I am seeing another part of the world, a beautiful corner of it, and your awesome glass art as well... and I see a woman of tremendous strength and courage who I'de like to continue to cheer on. The sun will definitely rise again tomorrow, so you might as well bask in it.

The Cassie thing breaks my heart too... and you did not fail her. No matter how good we are as pet parents, things happen especially because they ARE animals and we don't always have complete control.

Loth said...

I understand the guilt. My cat was killed by a car on the busy road outside and I berate myself daily for letting her out of the house at all. Even though she was a rescue cat used to being outdoors and would have HATED to be confined inside. I am sure you gave Cassie a wonderful life. Good luck for your January appointment (and, on a purely selfish note, I need you to keep posting about interesting bits of Nova Scotia I can then visit when we get there again in July 2011!)

TeresaA said...

I can totally understand what you are going through. Unfortunately, life sometimes gives us times that seem unbearable.

No matter how careful we are things can happen. There is no way to control the universe completely. It simply cannot be done.

Cassie life with you was a good one. She was a happy dog. I had a dog who passed away a few years ago. Looking back there were lots of signs that she was not well. But no glaring signs until it was too late. Even the vet missed them. I felt terrible for a long time.

anyway, this is a rambling post to simply say that blog away. I enjoy your posts. I really do.


jodi (bloomingwriter) said...

Sara: I know we haven't yet met, but you are one of the bravest, and most honest, people I have the pleasure to 'know' across the wonders of the Interwebs. I'm glad you blog, and I look forward to each of your posts. I don't have enough words to tell of my sorrow about Cassie, but I too am glad that you had her and had the pleasure of life with her for as long as you did. I will hold you in my thoughts every day, especially as your appointment days draw near.

Janet said...

Sara: In a way very reassuring to have have the date for the next step waiting for you after Christmas is celebrated with your family. Blessings of the season. And in time, you will acept Cassie's loss and remember the happy times and the joy she brought you. Stay safe and stay warm, our winters can be quite violent as we were shown here in the valley Monday evening.

Susan said...

Sending you big hugs and loads of live my animal loving friend. My heart breaks for you. The sun will come out and you will get though this dark spell. Hug your man "and" your beautiful old girl and hang on tight.

much love, Susan, Missy D & les Gang

Linda said...

Sara, your other friends and readers have said things so well that I can only concur with all their thoughts. Please go on blogging. You are an inspiration to all who read your words and enjoy sharing in everything you create.

Neil and Susan Brown said...

What beautiful comments Sara, that is why you blog! We all wonder at times why we do it. It really is a record for ourselves and our life journey. I love reading your posts. You are just one more person, like me who has made the South Shore home. I wish you the very best for your January appointment. Your friends in the blogphere will be here for support. Susan xo